Time After Time and Again by Vic Hernandez
[At the author's request, we are publishing this article unedited.]
I kept my mouth shut during most of the first planning meeting for this issue of RFD, a feat for me. But soon, the strain of holding back was unbearable and I joined in. After the meeting I was invited to share some herb by a group of young people. They were eager for information, particularly about the past. “We want to know the truth,” they said. Hmm, I pondered, what a responsibility. It's difficult to recall things with absolute certainty. The truth is often illusive, and fiction is often made out to be fact—just look at our news media. As a scientist, I know I don't know it all, and I know what I say has an impact on others. Still, I think it is important to know about our Faery past. It can support us in creating a loving, peaceful and exciting world.
Reflecting on the past can be tricky. We have a lot to learn from the past. But nostalgia can prevent honesty in retrospection, and that can be problematic. "Living in the past" distorts things. One’s life looses freshness; it lacks the creativity that living in the moment brings. Karl Lagerfeld, who has had an illustrious career in fashion, is a present tense, never turn to the past kind of person. If you examine his work—even now, well into his elderhood—it is remarkably fresh. I admire that. That freshness is what I saw when I was first introduced to the Radical Faery community.
I'm not waltzing down memory lane here for self-aggrandizement. I look to the past here as part of our community's Saturn return reflections, thinking about our prospects for the future. Recalling the past in print seems strange and somewhat heady. I'm not holding any aces, and I like to keep my cards close to my chest, particularly when it comes to talking about the past. A lot has occurred in my life. I've been around. The Radical Faeries are only one of my communities.
With my comrades and those I am mentoring in mind, I want to take an unusual, Buddhist thoughtfulness kind of care in my account of the past, aware of its potential impact on the present and the future. Many times, the real story is the one that no one is telling. "If only things were the way they once were… Young people are not the same as they used to be… Drugs are so bad; we never used them… I tried to protect his memory…" etc. If we honestly looked at the past in trying to learn from it, perhaps we might get somewhere. Don’t get me wrong, the past can be a great teacher, but not an example for how we should live now. Who wants a life that is a perpetual oldies show? Fear of the new can freeze people up, even people who were once very fluid. The Radical Faery community cannot afford to be inflexible. The planet cannot afford it. We need freshness and flexibility in our thinking. The gender or the ethnicity of the thinker make no difference. Whether the thinker is young, middle aged or old makes no difference. We need to cultivate this perspective in our community for it to be able to empower many more beyond our community.
In the Humpty Dumpty times we are living in, as Wyn calls them, many are fraught with concern. Fear is common. A friend recently remarked, “Well, you can jump out a window or go for the ride…. I am going for the ride.” The ride, as unpredictable and scary as it could be, still has potential. The past has no potential; the present does. It calls upon us to use our knowledge (brought with us from the past into the present), our creativity, our whole being. That is why our physical, mental and spiritual health is so important. We live symbiotically with the present moment. It is a call to many forms of action. What you see in what the moment gives you and what you give back to it—your approach, your level of where-with-all, etc.—will determine what you get out of it.
The Faery folk ahead of me were brilliantly original. It is hard to really say why that was. Some say the drugs, the times, the backgrounds of the people who happened to come together, perhaps some combination of it all. Radical Faerydom, although widespread, seemed to be one of the evolutions of the sexual revolution in the USA. As a young gay guy growing up, I met a variety of gay men. I never really hung out in one particular scene, partly because I got bored quickly, but I also had an insatiable appetite for new adventures. I checked out many scenes around the world. Unfortunately, very few pals who were with me for any significant part of my route are still around to tell about it.
Some people wore several hats. lived in various households, were a part of many scenes, so it is not fair to say a person was any one thing. Radical Faeries were also Cockettes or Sisters or this or that. Some did what they did with gusto, and others simply tagged along, but everyone contributed. The Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence included some of the most intelligent, brilliant, loving, caring, and radical men I have met. My first meeting with them was on a Thanksgiving day (years ago when knighthood was in flower), invited by Billy Graham (Reverend Mother) and Agnes (Sister Hysterectoria). I ate, shared conversation and was told I could not call myself gay if I had not seen the movies The Women, All About Eve and Mildred Pierce. So I watched them (with commentary as brilliant as the films themselves). I met Jack (Sr. Boom Boom), Cass, Rita, and the whole cast. They became my family. They mentored me and gave me friendship. Notably, they encouraged me to have a great sex life and to go to the clinic regularly for check-ups.
I learned about AIDS when it was still called Gay Related Immune Deficiency (GRID). I was living in San Francisco amid the gay renaissance of the time. At that time, the Sisters had just produced the booklet “Play Fair,” paid for by the proceeds from a basketball game between the SFPD and The Sisters. That pamphlet was the FIRST safe sex pamphlet in the United States! Is that radical!? I keep it in my office, framed, and when people ask I proudly tell them it was the first safe sex information in this country. Yes, a group of radical drag nuns did it and not anybody in medicine or public health! In a comical manner, they shared all the possible information about diseases of Venus (STDs) including that new disease, GRID, that was rearing its ugly head and would have a devastating effect on our community. The pamphlet is still relevant and should be reprinted. (How about that for a project?)
I was blessed to have great mentors, notably the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, Billy Graham, Jack Fertig, Cass and others. I managed to avoid infection and it was this circumstance that moved me to pursue research in the field of HIV/AIDS. The plague was a call to rally together. There were remarkable responses and remarkable people in those early days as well as scoundrels. I have not always subscribed to safe sex. It is difficult, when you have not used condoms; know what it feels like; and are in the throws of sexual passion. But none-the-less, this is an area where we must put the cards on the table and support each other to do the right thing. And this is a place where we must search our selves along with others to look at this, not to bash, not to finger wag, but to employ compassion and understanding to find peace and resolve so we promote our physical, mental and spiritual health. This is an area for us to lead.
This current situation in this country and the world is similar to the scene when AIDS hit. Shame and fear can do a number on honesty, understanding, trust and expression. Yeah, we are all worth less, so what? But the clarion call to come together is loud and pounding. These times can bring us to new highs, unexplored adventures, imagine. So how do we examine, revisit, rethink, reinvent, and maintain our RF past to create a real sense of community now and for the future? How do we create and sustain a community with elements of love, thoughtfulness, support, care, creativity, resilience, adventure among many other traits? How do we navigate negative elements of human nature (ego and ID) that manifest in gossip, alienation, diminish participation, affecting mental, physical, spiritual health and destruction of community? Can we have a shamanic group of truly RADICAL Fairies known for their honesty, understanding, trust and free expression? The alarm is on fire and we, in unison, are needed at this time on the planet.
I presided over parties and events such as the exorcism of Ronald & Nancy Regan (then president and first lady) and Edwin Meese (then Attorney General) in Union Square in mid-day! It was an impeccable exorcism, done in accordance with Roman Catholic procedure by the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence. Their combination of brilliance, creativity, intelligence, love and courage was an inspiration to a young queer boy at that time. Later Jack would lament that he was high at most of those events and downplay their significance as a result. High or not, they carried an impact that has resonated through my life and unto others. Our relationships are symbiotic. It is through the expression of ourselves, we give to each other and the planet. Lastly, at a party in a grand home in SF, I remember being so moved by watching Billy (Reverend Mother) and Edwin (Agnes) dancing together. Their dancing together in an elegant waltz conveyed pride in their friendship and love that made that dance a source of pride for me at the time. There are many such events and episodes, too many to share for this piece and well, you get the picture. Be an original, the world adores an original. A copy is well, a copy (predictable and most time boring) keep the originality alive!
Getting older is an exciting prospect for me. There are no regrets for the past here. As I got older, I noticed my guy type remained the same (person, type, and look). I did notice that I was getting bored. I found with guys my age or older, stiffening or a turning to rock of a once fluid person. And with guys younger, we had a lot in common, mostly physical adventures, but I felt that I was watching a movie I had seen a zillion times. I want something in the middle and for me. It is found in my idea of a timeless renaissance man. Certainly, timing plays a large role in this, for I have known many timeless renaissance men throughout the world but the circumstances were not always right on either or both parts. Commitment plays a significant role. But I think there is more. The more is found in our spiritual side. We live very much in the physical and cranial or mental aspects of ourselves. We recognize and acknowledge our spiritual sides but often pay lip service to it. Our spiritual health or spiritual acuity as I like to say, allows us to know our path and those in and on it. In my not-always-maintained spiritual health, I have found, known and been the recipient of every imaginable expression of love and romance. For that I am grateful. It is give, take and receive.
Paul Edward Sudds aka Pearl E. Sudds was remarkable and hardworking person. Pearl was many things to many people. He was a larger than life person. At the time we were in each others lives, it was a lovely time for the both of us. I can remember when we first met, as if it were a recent event. There come these encounters with a person or people that are so monumental, that it seems to knock you on your ass. Most call it love, call it what you will, our meeting was significant. I remember going to the home of Billy Graham (Reverend Mother), Agnes and Gabriel on Hayes Street in San Francisco. I walked up the stairs to the door, knocked and waited. The window in the middle flat in this Victorian 3 flat building opened. I looked up to find this long-locked golden haired guy with piercing blue eyes remark boisterously: “Hey Darlin’! WOW! I forgot about why I came and thought: Beach time with the babe! We fell into each other like two people who are finding a connection on many levels. We did go to Stinson, many times, and would slather blue clay (found nearby on the beach) and let it dry and then make way for the sea.
I was living in a cottage near in San Francisco at the time. The back room which was a solarium was the room we would share as the hang out room which included sleeping. He was a traveler like me. We made San Francisco and New York our bicoastal destinations. He did share with me his life as a radical faery. He had tremendous vision, especially for the newly developed sanctuary at Short Mountain. Vision and expectation can sometimes lead to disappointment and anger. He had quite a lot of high hopes for what the fairies could be. Like all visionaries, we tend to neglect human nature, those elements of ego and Id that can make things or break them. I never came into the world of Radical Fairies with him. I lived it thought his sharing of it with me. I had this crazy notion that hey, I grew up around hippies, why would I want a gay extension of it. But little did I know.
We were kindred spirits. I especially liked the life we shared in New York. He was into everything and scene. I was in awe of it all: Calvin Klein’s guy scene, jobs making jewelry for couture houses, revamping cityscape post cards to include cocks. Hey, what are buildings but cock wars? We went to variety of dance joints. I love dancing and he was a dancing fool. There was never a dull moment. I came to know him deeper through his many interests, much of which I did not directly participate in. He was in the Navel Academy in Annapolis. Being a peacenik and not a supporter of the military, I found it strange. One can take positive things from experiences that are not always in keeping with one’s path. I could see his navy experience in his directedness and many other expressions of himself. He was always a gentle-man with me. At one point in our relationship, he brought me to meet his parents. Knowing from where someone comes from is a big deal, especially if one chooses to share that. Whether you liked it or not, agreed with it or not, it is still a part of the whole of you. We went to meet his parents in the Bay Ridge area of Brooklyn. Pearl was shaped by his childhood in Bay Ridge, a German and Irish neighborhood in Brooklyn, NY. By the way, that is where Mae West’s family hailed from (OOOOHH). They were warm and treated me well. We spent that first day at Coney.
It is hard to discern how and why Pearl and I went our ways. It was not a particular disagreement or argument. I don’t remember any bad blood between us. How and what draws people together and apart is an amazing chemistry that often times defies explanation. Perhaps it is found in the respectful development and cultivation of our spiritual acuity? I did, however, fall victim to the culturally induced bias. Our culture often holds us prisoner within our homophobia and other ego needs so as to throw important contributions from fellows because of weight, age, ethnicity, performance, personality, cock size, among many other things. For me, regarding Pearl, it was the latter. Seems silly and stupid at this writing, but at the time, it was perfectly valid. How do we orient our consciousness to follow and trust what we feel, despite what we see? Pearl once commented: “Maybe I should have stayed with you, then I would not have gotten AIDS.” Perhaps the development of our spiritual acuity can help us understand our paths, despite their impact?
In Pearl’s world from childhood onward, people were close and friendships were not taken lightly. Despite whatever moved us to go our way, he called me after 8 years to be at his side to support his crossing over. He actually found me! I was going off to graduate school so I was very busy. But I made the time to be with him in keeping with his call for me to be there. We were still connected and he gave me many things even when we were out of touch.
I remember walking in the room that late summer of 1989 in that Nashville Tennessee house and looked at him and asked: “Why are you still here?” “Help me”, he responded. He was keeping that body alive. Here was a man capable of anything but either he forgot how to cross over or needed support to let go. I support from both fronts. Many people were at his beckon call and there was no smell of death, just the lovely scents I remember from hanging out with him. Immediately we began the process of crossing over. He showed me old pictures of his friends he grew up with. He told me that they had stayed at each others house and shared close friendship but they were not there nor had they kept in touch, especially then when he was facing his mortality. I took his dictation of letters to them to support closure of these sore spots in his life to support the process of leaving this life. Later, after a few days, we started on the leaving the body stuff. I would show him how to leave his body. I would go out swimming daily. That was my time out. When I swim, I leave my body while the body does its endless laps. While out, I would fetch Pearl. Funny thing, when I would come back, the nurse would tell me that he would raise his hands and say I am ready, while I was swimming. I figured he was getting it. With both aspects in place, it was a matter of time.
Pearl was always an opportunist, especially where a message was concerned. He had the local PBS station filming his HIV/AIDS adventure right up till the last breath. He felt HIV/AIDS was nothing to be ashamed of and prevention was important. He did not want people to go through what he did, not that he was embarrassed but because he saw it as a hard road. Pearl had KS along many other opportunist infections of HIV/AIDS, but he always held his head high. I remember a little after a week of being there, I was laying down reading and a voice told me to get up. I went to be with Pearl. I remember the song Peaceful Easy Feeling was playing. On the last note, he took his last breath and he was gone. Before his departure, he gave me a button that I have managed to keep with me. It reads: ‘You Can’t Keep A Good Man Down’. It has provided solace when the shit hits hurricane force.
Pearl had a strong sense of family. He had a strong desire for kin with those close in his life, especially his Gay brothers. The Navel Academy like all of the other branches of the military is very structured and disciplined. These experiences and others shaped who he was in his way as a Radical faery. Pearl would often lament about his disappointment with the Radical faery movement, especially the budding sanctuary at Short Mountain. I believe he had an expectation that all would rally for this great movement; putting all energies together in brotherly aim; create a movement with sanctuaries that would be empowering and creative bastions. Having embarked on a few movements myself, I could understand the disappointment when expectation is not met. We both had a sense of community and vision but we both shared a lack of recognition of human nature. Human nature, that collection of ego and Id that can make things or destroy them, is at root of much of the discord and disaster that plague many movements that stray from the “norm” or are about change. Navigating through human nature can be challenging, despite even the most well crafted boundaries.
James Broughton came into my life like most other people of significance by happenstance. I was given a copy of Shaman Psalm by Cass, a member of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, read it and was very taken by the depth of the piece. One day I went up north with the intention of meeting with James. I went to a Buddhist (I believe) sanctuary up north and met with him and his lover Joel Singer. It was an amazing afternoon. She (me, I like to gender bend) gets a little bee in her bonnet and she just goes ahead full roar. That too can be a double edged sword. We spent a lovely afternoon. I came to know him and his contribution to faerydom. I came to know his history with Harry Hay (relationship while students at Stanford). I found Harry to be the Aristotle and James to be the Plato. I preferred the James side. James spoke to a more open way of looking at RF connectedness. He was not confined to the stuff directly in front of us. I could relate and subscribed to his perspective. He gave me a copy of Shaman Psalm which I cherish. Throughout my time, our paths have crossed. I did not remain in contact but have carried his spirit with me and have made hundreds of copies of Shaman Psalm for many people along my adventuresome path. I look at this work as socio-ecological wisdom with tremendous fluidity, not as a noted bit of prose or anything else.
Pearl like James, were visionaries that LOVED their fellow Gay brothers. I understand that intoxication. I love men beyond and including the phallus. They had visions of us coming into our Shamenhood. Is it still possible in this time and age? And how do we cultivate maintain and sustain this Shamenhood? What are the touchstones for effective group action?
We are loosing some incredible individuals. Every era has its good people and not so good. I have been significantly impacted by elders throughout my life. They have connected me to the past, not to live in it but rather to reference it in relation to my present and future. The impact has been tremendous. Each era unto itself but unto itself we risk division and bending helps to reach out. Yes, 20 will only know 40 or 70 when it becomes that age, but if we look to the symbiotic nature of their relationship, all can thrive, I believe. Loving all aspects of ourselves is tremendously important and critical to our evolution. One aspect is our female side. I like to gender bend. I will refer to any male as she. It can come out of nowhere. Most times I do it because I want to see where a person’s head is regarding the female aspect of us. We have not always been kind to that part of ourselves, hence affecting our relationship to ourselves and women. From my informal random sampling, the ones who protest the reference to she are Gay men. Surprised? I listen to their protests and ask a few questions. After a while: “Oh hey girl!”, with ease and comfort, like a duck to water.
Don’t make the same mistakes as me… nonsense, make lots of mistakes; if they become pattern, it is time for examination. Many of us in the midst of our lives approaching elderhood have a tendency to be somewhat ethnocentric or patronizing in our advice. There are no real absolutes. But perhaps there is a way, a way to respect and love one another. That is what struck me about Shaman Psalm by James Broughton. Dare to pursue happiness, hell; it’s in the U.S. Constitution. At times, many of us with time mileage in this lifetime can be smothering or hard to our younger brothers. Sometimes, especially when we love others, we don’t really know how. Love requires, I think, a way to let it be.
Spiritual health is so important in the process of life. It was drummed into me and I do believe it, that Gay people, especially RF are shamans. So where is it? I know we are shamans. Much of society may not like us, but they sure like to imitate or copy our creativity. What is that about? So we have a responsibility as holders of our shamenhood. The Reverend Mother started a Transcendental Meditation group for Gay Men especially for those living with HIV/AIDS. It was not about the perfect poses or right mantras but a gentle way to get people to recognize, nurture and tend their spiritual health. It worked. Meditation is not some lofty practice out there that is cool. It is connected to our physical, mental and spiritual health; which is connected to our expression on this planet; which is connected to our community; which is connected to our planet. SYMBIOTIC
As we mark 30 years, debates will evolve over everything from sanctuaries to terminology. I hope they will be healthy, constructive and not bashing or alienating. They may be referred to as navel-gazing and indulgent, they are more than a struggle over semantics and reflect intense differences over purpose and scope. These differences must be respected in an atmosphere of honesty, understanding, trust and expression. To further support the process, I would encourage all of you to check into your intentions and motivations daily as related to the RF community, as a matter of spiritual health to promote health and wellness in this process. All the best
